Acceptance Takes Time

I've been working on accepting that although I may not understand the reason or the lesson in this trial that I've been experiencing for the past 8 weeks that in time I will be grateful for the lessons it has taught me.

I learned to have a sense of humor about the nephrostomy bag that was attached to me for 2 weeks. I learned I was capable of waking up at odd hours during the night to empty it. I learned it had many colors. Purple from the dye mixed with blood, red from blood, yellow from dehydration and orange from a medication. I said I could almost pee a rainbow. I learned how to camouflage it inside pants and how to attach it with a safety pin so I could work each day without anyone asking questions. I learned how to wrap myself with a trash bag pouch for it so I could shower. It went everywhere with me to church, a Christmas dinner under a skirt, grocery shopping, the bank, in uhaul trucks, etc. Three weeks ago the radiologist said he'd be replacing the stent and removing the bag. The radiologist asked if I could turn onto my stomach for the procedure and I said I'd do my best, but wasn't sure that was an obstacle I had trained for. My friend Emily brought me home from the hospital once again and would spend the next hour helping me through bouts of pain and nausea as she gently massaged my back.

The last three weeks have been difficult ones. I haven't felt well, but I've tried my best to still do my job. It helps me focus on other priorities. 

I was able to go to Santa Barbara for a short trip Christmas Day and was so thankful to spend time with Patty and her family. I got JT and Chandler both white elephant style gifts this year but they both loved their boxer underwear.

I've had a doctor appointment, a trip to the ER again, another doctor appointment where I'd learn test results from the ER came back showing a staph infection and another stent exam got scheduled for tomorrow. I seem to have also caught the winter cold and I wish I was talking temperature. I said my poor nose was the only thing running, but at least part of my body still can. I really truly look forward to the day I can run again. 

There have been times throughout this that I have been scared and times like yesterday where I was upset and cried a lot. My co-worker often reminds me crying is okay. I asked my "always good" friend what his trials and struggles have taught and he simply replied,"you keep going."

Tomorrow is New Years Eve and I have no idea what the day holds other than a test at a hospital I haven't been to yet. I'm glad I have the same radiologist because I like his repoir. I will try my best to keep going all the way into 2015. I only have one event on my calendar for the New Year and its 30 hours long and in May. I'd like to think this is my SISU IRON preparation and when I am in the midst of those 30 hours at that event I can remind myself that there was a time where I learned to get comfortable with a nephrostomy bag attached to me and I could pee rainbows.

The last time the bag was attached to me 

A pleated skirt camouflaged the bag

Time to Share a Strategy

Learning to reject rejection is an incredibly valuable lesson.

Everyone will face rejection in some form or another. Not receiving that job you set your heart on, the woman or man you admire not having reciprocating feelings, not getting the house you wanted to buy and the list can continue.

It begins with determining and knowing your self value. If you feed yourself negative self talk 24/7 your reaction to rejection is 99.9% more likely to manifest itself in an unpleasant way.

I once allowed myself to fall into the "not good enough" mindset. It took a long list of rejections for me to figure out that I was also teaching others to believe I wasn't good enough.

One day all of that changed. I was given a job I knew very little about and I knew I had to get good enough. An elderly lady was depending on me and I started going running on any small windows of time off I had. First it started with walking/jogging intervals and as time progressed I was running for 30 minutes to an hour. I used those runs as therapy and I started feeling capable of a happier attitude and I rejected the false idea that I wasn't good enough.

Yesterday I had an appointment to be to and I scheduled a small errand after church. As I was walking across the crosswalk a young man in front of me continued to turn his head as if I was a familiar face. As he arrived at the sidewalk he stopped and waited for me to finish crossing. This is a crosswalk I usually run across jump the stairs and run to the next street, but until I've fully recovered and have the tube out of my kidney I'm playing it safe. The young man told me he knew me and I had to ask his name. It turned out to be a guy who had taken me on a date about 4 years ago on his motorcycle to a waterpark. I'm fairly certain I got the courtesy,"I'll call you." Rejecting rejection is knowing that you can give yourself permission to accept that things didn't work not because you aren't skinny, have the perfect house, job, etc. Simply that an individual may have an idea of what their preferences are and that is okay. I quickly realized I wasn't willing to hit the rewind button and engage this young man in conversation. I had my honest out where I quickly told him I had a service project to be to in 20 minutes. Rejecting rejection is being able to be kind enough to walk away after just causing a man to do a triple take because you aren't the "not good enough" woman he met 4 years ago. Instead you smile everywhere you go and are excited about the opportunity to pay it forward that was placed in front of you.

Yesterday a group of friend's and I went out on a special service mission with Santa. We visited a skilled nursing facility where I saw a sweet elderly lady in a wheelchair beckoning the staff for my attention. As I walked over to the woman she asked me my name and I asked for her name. She had many questions and seemed confused. I finally figured out she thought I was staff. I explained to her I was visiting and thanked her for letting me come to her home. She said she didn't think I liked it and told me it was junk. Here is where rejecting negativity/rejection is important. I told the adorable lady I was happy to be there to which she wanted to know what we would do the rest of the day. 

It's often stated its not what happens to us but how we react to what happens to us that counts.

Reject rejection. Live, love and let go.