Time to Grant Myself Permission

The last time I chose to travel was in March 2020. It was for a running race my friend had gifted me for my birthday in 2019. My friend was supposed to join me. When she asked if I still wanted to go my reply was,”if we live our lives in fear, the devil has already won.” Life events not including covid-19 chaos would prevent my friend from traveling with me.

I have been known to contradict myself or fall short of taking my own advice. I have been taking an amazing course called Permission Granted taught by my very incredible former employer Patty Aubery. I have watched my self-growth and mastery improve and have seen avenues and opportunities opened up.

The changes that have been brought about by social distancing guidelines have taught me that I am a people person. I like to share joy and help people. I like connection. My elatement at seeing a familiar face especially co-workers out running the same area I am on any given day makes me give pause to the phrase you don’t know what you have until you don’t have it anymore.

I have become almost too comfortable staying single. I have let the devil win for many years. I’ve tried dating a few times. It’s always ended at the first date. Over a year ago when it didn’t end on a first date I was grateful, but that was short lived when he moved toTexas. 

Earlier this year a friend I had met through a running group I was associated with years ago asked for some support of friends through a difficult choice he wanted to make to improve his life. I jumped at the opportunity to support him. It was a courageous choice he was making which didn’t seem sparked by a catastrophic life event. From time to time I would check in and we would chat via text. 

God always present opportunities if we are patient.

I set fear aside and asked my friend how he would feel about me visiting him in Colorado. His response was enthusiastic and I realized the running event I’ve attended each May since 2014 was postponed and i had a lot of vacation hours to use at work so I booked a flight.

I was picked up at the airport and taken back to my friend’s house. Little jets were doing a flyover as we arrived there. I then learned to play disc golf and laughed every time I threw and the disc floated left. We did a walk around downtown boulder where I was happy to see some retail stores opening back up.

We arrived to an area and I asked my friend for an obligatory selfie of us where I was asked to never post it. I was sending it to a mutual friend. I really don’t like selfies anyway. We did a really cool hike to green mountain and shared a snack at the top. I saw a guy wearing a familiar pair of ultra distance trail shoes so we struck up a conversation where I learned about some ultra races in the area. It rained a little and I loved it. I know I ended the day with an altitude headache but it didn’t stay long.

Friday we went to a little coffee shop and I was told they had a customer leave money and ask to buy people coffee for the day and the drinks I requested were complimentary. We then drove to a little trail that climbed a fire access road to a table top. On the way down my friend asked if I wanted to run and he had no idea how big the smile on my face became.

 Shortly after we went to a second area where we got to see bighorn sheep. My friend often refers to them as his spirit animal. My friend found trees to hang a hammock in where we got to enjoy relaxing and some snacks. Rain began as we made our way down the trail, but it didn’t stay long. We finished the day with my friend fishing and me reading a writing out of my friend’s notebook I wrote a little thank you note in. We packed up and drove down the road just in time as another rainstorm rolled in.

📷:AJA

📷: AJA

The last line I wrote to my friend was If you thought as highly of yourself as others do you would be astounded at the height of those thoughts.

Saturday began very early as we drove to an area where we would be attempting to reach Devils Thumb Pass. We began hiking and I noticed water everywhere quickly accompanied by snow. Postholing occurs when you step into snowpack and it collapses forming a hole to pull your leg and foot out of.  I would laugh each time my shoe became stuck or when both feet postholed and I fell on my butt. After just over 3 miles my friend pulled what he called an audible and I was okay with it. We changed direction and hiked toward a lake. We crossed a bridge where my friend allowed me to borrow his water filter. If you know me for any period of time you quickly learn the hardest thing for me to do is ask for something I want or need, but I really wanted cold water in my bottles. I got to fill up a container to filter water from river flow and it was sooo cold. We finally arrived to the lake where my friend set up a hammock and I made friends with a mallard duck couple. My friend caught two fish and we tossed the ducks fish guts. As the day began turning to eve we descended down the trail and returned home where my friend made fish and veggies for dinner and I was so thankful.

📷:AJA

📷:AJA

📷:AJA

Sunday began with breakfast, relaxing and doing laundry (yes I did my friend’s laundry too) followed by an adventure that I absolutely loved. It didn’t have a lot of elevation gain, but it had water everywhere, a place for my friend to fish, and boulders I could climb and go adventuring on. I washed my hands and took a little dip in the river it was so cold. I’m still amazed at all the things my friend did for me and shared with me on my short visit.

We went to this cute little place with bass fishing ponds. I was told I could go run and I ran a short couple miles around fishing ponds as I got to see my last Colorado sunset.

We ended the day with a little backyard fire with s’mores and he shared his one fish he caught and yummy garlic green beans. 

Today was the last day of my adventure vacation. My friend and I walked to get coffee he then set up a hammock in the front yard and I finished reading a book while he stepped away to go pick up take out lunch I got to do a few little thank you tasks at his house while he was away.

He drove me to the airport and gave me a hug curbside. With covid I had no idea how much I missed a simple hug. 

I would be kidding myself if I didn’t say it was a hard decision to travel. I’m thankful I got the chance to know my friend more after only being acquainted with him ten years ago. I enjoyed every adventure, every smile, every learning opportunity and even those  Fourth of July snaps he kept playing pranks with. 

Tears fell as I walked into the airport. I have always looked forward to going home after traveling and this time felt so much different.

I’m so thankful for this opportunity and all the fun I had and that I could go after everything that I wanted on the other side of fear.

Time to rewrite the story

I went to packet pick up Friday and helped where I could before I needed to leave to be back in Santa Barbara.

I arrived to Sage Hill campground early Saturday morning after spending a wonderful Friday nights rest in the spare bed at the house of my favorite family in Santa Barbara.

I would say hello to friends and familiar faces and the interim director Mauricio who did a fantastic job preparing trails and scouting the course, helping volunteers mark it properly with sustainable course markings.

I had done three separate training runs and trail work days on various sections of the course in the weeks and months prior to race day. 

I was dropped to the back of the pack very early on. I saw Kaori there to share her amazing photography talent. Kaori always makes my day! Shortly before mile 2 a runner caught up to me and said he had started 20 minutes late. That runner went ahead and I was on my own in very last place. I didn’t see a trail marking just over a climb and I took a sharp right to bushwhack a trail. I made my way along the edge then realized I was off course and Mauricio wouldn’t send us that way. I looked to my left to see the trail. I cussed, got mad, got mad I cussed, threw a fit, took a deep breath and made my way back to the course where those bright long ribbons greeted me and I reminded myself I was gonna have to fix my attitude and move forward.

I had one goal to begin with and it was to make the half way point before the course cut off time. I knew if I made that I wouldn’t quit because i would have to ask for a ride back to the start and i wouldn’t do that because the risk of motion sickness was far worse than running another 25 miles Although I was slow I came to the first aid station and saw Chad, filled my bottles quick and kept going it’s a mile road section that runs fast and I knew I liked the next part of the course. It was a rocky climb, but it was also a section I got to do brush work on and even earn poison oak from when I was volunteering with Mauricio, his daughters and Nancy weeks earlier. 

The next aid station Todd was there. Todd has spent countless hours on those trails with me and I was so grateful to see him there. This was the section of the course I’ve never run it seemed like grassy single track and fun downhill. Afterward it seemed rockier. At mile 20 the first place male Ethan passed me on his way inbound. He’s a strong local runner that shares Strava segments that I do on local trail sections rarely run and he’s a great inspiration.

I begin seeing more inbound runners and one of the girls that had said she would be last at the start line passed me and I mentioned she was strong and not last! The guy that started 20 minutes late saw me and said,”you’re still goin!” 

A woman passed me and said to find her to share night miles if I wanted. I told her to run her own race Id try to catch up. 

I hit the turn around point in time, climbed the water tower and collected my amulet. I had Heidi take a photo of my favorite La Sportiva shoes and singlet that I’d received as a gift. It is literally the only trail shoe I like even though I get to work seeing many running shoes every day. 

My only choice now was to go hit the next cutoff. I had over 5 hours to go 15 miles. I had run this 3 weeks prior after getting motion sick and threw up before starting the course preview run. I ran when I could then hit a section where I thought I was off course but I trusted the course marking and my back track feature I was using on my garmin instinct. I made it to the aid station to be joined by the woman who had said I could join her for night miles. I learned she went to guide lost mountain bikers who’s whistle she heard back out of the canyon. Her name is Jeanne and she kept me company the remainder of the race.

I was back to the section of course I hadn’t done before and when Jeanne and I arrived at Todd’s aid station I told him I was glad we hadn’t done that section because I might have opted to run a shorter distance option.

Now to that next aid station and the 8:00 pm cutoff. Jeanne and I made it down the crazy rocky section I love where she yelled we had 23 minutes and I knew it was the road mile, but I checked my watch and it was less time than that so I just told myself run a fast road pace and breathe. Almost every race I have attempted with course cutoff times I have dnf’d beginning 6 years ago with a marathon distance obstacle course. I have believed this story I’ve told myself so many times that it’s okay to quit or not make it because I learn from it and I’ve grown to accept the story. This time I told myself I was rewriting the story. I arrived to the aid station where Jeanne laughed and said I threw down on that section. I filled my bottles with water dropped in tactical fluid powder and changed my headlamp battery and off we went to find that finish line.

I would lose Jeanne’s light ahead of me every now and then and that made me nervous and I’d whine. I kept repeating to myself over and over I know I’m going to be okay and I kept singing a Christian rock song. Shortly before two miles to go is a wicked steep hill climb with a holy cross near it. This is also where I lost the trail early on. Jeanne and I stopped at the cross and I offered a word of prayer. That moment was really powerful and emotional and we continued in silence for a few minutes.

We arrived to the finish line where we asked who would take last place and I said I’d gladly accept it. Had I chosen not to try to make each cutoff time I would have been the only 50 mile runner to not complete the course. We had a perfect finishing rate. I learned so much out in that Santa Barbara back country. I am thankful for every volunteer and everyone who put time and effort into the race’s success. 

Less than 48 hours later a forest fire broke out very near where we were, 2 days after a rain storm followed by rare snow. It will be a different site next time I’m in the red rock area. I’m thankful for each and every fire personnel who helped with the fire extinguishing and it’s containment.

What is the story you are ready to rewrite?

SISU 24

SISU 24 is an event I look forward to all year long. In 2015 I volunteered at night and arrived to the canyon gate just in time for a bear to walk by my car. I questioned whether or not I wanted to get out to open the gate or stay in my car. Opening the gate was the right choice. I loved volunteering, but knew the next year I had to run. So when I say I look forward to it all year long it is literally the only event I've consistently registered for immediately after registration opens each year for the previous 3 years.

In 2016 I had a perfect points advantage strategy planned out that would give me a big lead early on, but as my story often goes I got lost. That cost me over 2 hours and my strategy. That became disheartening and I stayed in my car to rest during the night hours.

In 2017  I accomplished my goal of finishing all 5 trails without getting lost.

This year I wanted redemption from my 2016 strategy failure. I began on redbox expecting everyone to go to the cabin to get an egg for bonus points. Redbox is 15 miles and the highest amount of points. It is also the trail where I got lost in 2016. The difference this year is a lot of runners started on Redbox. Previously I didn't have any company on that trail except three guys  on a team behind me. This run was also serving as a benchmark training run for a race I registered for that takes place March 2019. It has strict expectations as to mileage finish times so I kept a chart of target pace and hours. On my way down I saw Jaime who I met last year with her teammates and her teammate Maria's dad. I got to catch up with Jaime tell her about my favorite shoe I was wearing and Maria's dad was really enjoying himself and telling proud dad stories of his daughter. I missed a benchmark I was trying to keep, but it was okay because the company was worth it.

I got back to camp and knew I just needed to get to the waterfall before 2 pm and I had 53 minutes to get there so I took off running downhill at 8 mile pace. I tell myself I never train that pace don't try to race it I still have 16 hours to go. I slow a little and arrive at the waterfall with enough time to finish the challenge and they tell me I'm the last one to get to do it. This year it's longer it's a minute under the cold waterfall. I take off my long layer and my shoes and in the waterfall I go. The photographer Billy took a photo where he says it looks like I questioned all life decisions up to that point. What it really was is redemption. 

I was going to do the cabin trail next but Travis who I met years ago was going on the new blue trail and I decided to join him. We got lost looking for the trail, but luckily we ran into runners and a nice neighbor outside who directed us how to locate its trailhead. 

We arrived back to camp and I decided I wanted to go to the cabin but be back in time for midnight yoga because it was bonus points. 

The cabin had a trivia challenge for bonus points. If you read a sign and could answer questions upon returning you could earn bonus points. There is a tree that is split in two with the trail in the middle and I love it. I kept hiking and arrived to a crossing the same one I also missed in 2016. I looked at my landmarks and surroundings and told myself to remember the arrow to cross back and not run strait to a shortcut on the return. I arrived to the cabin and made sure the eggs and carton had all been collected. I read a sign even memorized it using numbers and could give a history lesson on it. Upon returning I was answered questions, but didn't know the answers because I read the wrong sign. The right answer was lemon meringue pie my dad's very favorite and he's been in scouting for years and I'm at a boy scout camp and I'm laughing at the irony.

I climbed in my car to rest a few minutes then grabbed my t-shirt blanket to use as a yoga mat and headed to the fort. Yoga was fun and we did a massage circle for neck and shoulders to end. That was just what I wanted as I'd been keeping my head down a lot looking at the ground with my headlamp at night.

I decided I wanted to do the ten mile trail silver fish. I met Scott who was on a team last year but was solo this year due to an untimely passing of his teammates family member. He said he was going too and another guy going to Redbox joined us also. I got to converse with Scott and said I wanted to run on the trail back down, but I soon found that was much easier said than done at night on tired feet.

I chose not to do the sixth trail because I achieved 10,000 feet of climbing which was another goal. I finished content with 43.3 miles. That was good enough to earn 3rd place miles wise, but I hadn't achieved enough bonus challenge points. Two friends tied for third and I was happy for them.

My running this year has truly been about turning previous failures into success. How are you turning previous disappointments around each day?

Time to Run

I arrived at Chamberlain ranch Friday afternoon. I was greeted by Beverly and checked in. 

I drove down to the staging area and was greeted by the same friendly snake I've seen each year. I have yet to see a rattlesnake.

I arrived and parked my car next to Jadd and his family. Carly their dog and my favorite dog to take running greeted me with that look of why aren't we going running.

Jadd had a tent set up and they all insisted I take a nap, but I'd just been fabric shopping and wanted to cut some strips of fabric. I used the tie dye fabric for a tablecloth and my T-shirt quilt for a second tablecloth. I rested a short time then went to watch Jadd win the beer mile for a 4th time. My friend Corinne was the first female finisher.

I went back to my car and began getting a few things set up. Then shortly before the race was to start my Godson Chandler showed up. This meant more than anything to me. He's famous for his one line quote,"if you aren't your biggest fan who is?" I'm certain I am his biggest fan. I was just a few months younger than he is now when I was hired by his parents to be a nanny for him and his older brother JT. He was impressed by the size and set up of the event. I had him walk with me to the start line briefing, all runners raised their right hand and said the Micah True pledge if I get hurt, lost or die it's my own damn fault. Then the shotgun sounded and the run began.

I started out in front so I ran a little quick to start then slowed myself down. My friend Corinne asked when to expect I'd be finished with the first ten mile pink loop and I told her three hours. I saw Garin at mile 6 and he said he'd join me for a loop on Saturday after he ran. I finished in 2:15 way ahead of what I expected and the fastest I've ever run pink. I was surprised to upload my stats and see I held onto an 8 minute pace the first mile. I haven't ever done that in training.

Corinne, Kaori who accepted the invite to come photograph the event and my friend Scott all joined me for yellow loop. I felt so sad for Scott his back was bothering him so he took a break after we finished. I put arnica gel on it for him and he fell asleep for what he said would be an hour but I later found out became 5 and he still went out to try to makeup for the deficit and he put in 70 miles. I'm pretty proud of him!

Now I was back to pink loop and decided I would see just how much longer it would take me and it did take 3 hours.

I was back on yellow and got to enjoy sunrise on it.

Now I was excited to see how soon I could get to the half way point and I was on pink. A lot of the 30 mile runners were on it at the same time as their run started at 6:00 am Saturday. I needed to pee and I guess other runners did too because clearly a tree provided good camouflage. I named it pee tree.

I continued to run, saw some cows.

I was so excited to see Corinne's little boy Benji with his dad and brother. He was so cute when he told me I had a funny hat. I was wearing my buff as a headband.

I was coming near the end of pink loop and the 50 mile mark and saw my friend and work manager Tera running strong uphill alongside my friend PJ in his Italy shorts. She would run on to take 2nd place female in the 30 mile.

I was back to yellow and on my way to 60. I wanted to see if I could beat my previous time of 22 hours. I ran into PJ again he was having fun and also on his way to 40. 

At mile 57 I took a picture of my bib got cell service and posted it. I called my mom and she asked if I was still alive.

I finished 60 and my feet hurt really bad. I beat my previous time by 2 hours. I couldn't tell if I had blisters or not. My friend Kaori had me lay down. Jadd's second mom Kris put a sweatshirt under my neck and Kaori propped my feet up and put water jugs under my knees then massaged my feet and legs. 

I went back out on pink and that is when I started to fall apart and decided my feet hurt too much I was so tired I wanted to nap and that I could just take a dnf. I saw Mayra my friend who is the most amazing volunteer. She and her boyfriend Guy have traveled to many races to volunteer and lose a lot of sleep. I'd been having trouble wanting to eat. She gave me a smoothie and another volunteer gave me ginger ale. That really lifted my spirits, but not long after my feet started bothering me again. When I came in from pink Jadd was waiting and I said I would just dnf. That's when he made me sit down threw my feet in a chair and began 20 questions along with removing my shoes and socks. He retied my laces which I told him bothered me but he said that didn't matter. I believe the talk was,"pull your head out of your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Life is hard, much harder than a 100 miler!" I told him I wasn't feeling sorry for myself I was frustrated so he repeated himself and reminded me to stop feeling sorry for myself. He asked me for new socks and I was wearing my last clean pair I'd brought. Michael was standing nearby and grabbed a pair of cushioned drymax tollefson socks. Now I wash the try-on drymax socks for work almost every week the irony is not lost on this one. I've never been a big fan, I complain but Michael put them on my feet. He and Jadd put my shoes on me and tie them. They would stay tied that way the next 30 miles. Jadd helps me out of the chair smacks my ass and tells me to get going. I realize I left my gloves and my hands will get cold at night on this loop. Michael ran to bring me my gloves. If you ever want to see the best part of an ultra run in action just tell a couple of seasoned ultra runners you're going to quit. They're going to do their damndest not to let you.

I took off running, my resolve was renewed and i wanted to run again despite my foot pain. I no longer felt sorry for myself. I made myself a promise I was going to finish. 

A beautiful hill climb and scenic view just before dark and I was thankful for Jadd beyond words could express. Jadd had given me his headlamp. It self adjusts and I thought that was so cool until it kept dying. I have the worst luck with headlamps and races. I caught up to one of my SISU endurance teammates Todd and he kept me pushing so strong. He also kept a good eye out for me and lit my path until I could switch headlamps. At the last aid station before the end of yellow loop Jennifer gave me some chicken noodle soup and I'm certain she's a trail angel! He helped me finish that yellow loop in under 4 hours.

I finished yellow and I climbed in my car. All I knew is that I wanted a five minute nap. I rested my feet up then at 12:04 I said I've got to get back out there. I took off running on pink and met two runners Jorge and Haroldo they were at 180 and 110 miles respectively and were in the 4 day event. Jorge wanted to get to 190 then do one more lap at daybreak so his family could see him finish 200. I had such a great time sharing trail with them. We ran into Chris who is another one of my SISU endurance teammates. He'd just completed a 36+ hour endurance event with his 17 year old son Nathan just two weeks prior. We all stayed together until the last aid station. Thank goodness Chris also had a better headlamp than I did.

We finished pink and I sat for a moment to wait for Chris so we could go back out on yellow and finish. 

I didn't see Chris so I started yellow on my own. That's when my watch chimed low battery. I decided I hadn't gone far and I'd run back to the table to pick up my charging cable. As I reached to pick it off the table and not disturb who was sleeping on the ground I heard hey Joanie I wanted to go with you. I thought it was my godson Chandler because of the quilt he was under and gray hoodie he was wearing and I said are you sure it's long and kind of hard. He replied yeah and got up. I realized it was Michael and I laughed because he had already run the 30 mile course earlier that day and taken 5th place. We began yellow and I knew without a doubt I was going to complete my first 100 mile ultra marathon.

We caught up to Chris and kept going. I had wanted it to be timed just right to see daybreak and not need a headlamp anymore. I decided I wanted to run as much of the two singletrack ridges as possible. I felt bad seperating from Chris but knew I needed to finish this run my way on my terms. It's hard for me to be selfish.

I told Michael I wanted to run when I could and he said something like free miles on the downhill. We arrived at the last aid station Wild Bills. I used the bathroom, Michael asked for my water bottles and filled them up with my favorite fluid performance. That was funny too because that's what I did for him years ago at each aid station while I was crewing a friend and Michael was in the lead and won SB100 that year. I hiked the last long hill, but decided as soon as we hit the downhill I'd run to the finish. That was just over a mile away. Michael asked if I'd like a video and I handed him my phone.

Approaching the finish there were spectators cheering. My friend's Anne and Dave who I hadn't seen all weekend were on the side. Kevin gave me a high five along with Manley and a few others as I arrived at the finish. Jadd's family with Carly in tow all walked toward me. I hugged Jadd and gave him the most heartfelt thank you ever. Hugged all the family, thanked Michael for getting me to the finish line when he said strong finish. I learned Jadd had completely packed all my things into my car and Kris was going to drive me to Jadd and Alejandra's house to shower and sleep. I am not good at asking for anything, but I've got to tell you the Martinez family is by far the best dang crew I could ever have been given without asking. It's no wonder Jadd has great success in his 100 mile runs. I'd kept my amulet they gifted me last year after a dnf at my first 100 mile attempt hanging from my rear view mirror and Dennis had told me he hoped I would not be discouraged and would try again. I was so happy to take that amulet from the rear view mirror. 

Luis Escobar said in the briefing Friday afternoon we would finish the 100 and leave a changed person. He is completely right. If it doesn't challenge you it will no change you.

I am so grateful for Jadd, Alejandra, Dennis, Kris and Carly who made me get up at 6:00 am to take her for a run when I house and pet sat in March and other times. 

I am thankful for Mayra and Guy and their willingness to travel to volunteer!

Ian for hanging out at one aid station so long he finally had to ask for a break.

Bill and Jon who kept the fire going in the ring outside wild bills.

Corinne for introducing me to Born to Run in 2014 and her cute family all along the course especially at mile 70 when I planned to quit and again when I changed my mind.

Scott for showing me you keep trying even though you napped for too long.

Todd and Chris for emulating SISU!

Michael for the awesome motivation on the last loop.

So many countless others and all the names I missed. I appreciate every one of you! 

If you take the time to set a goal, focus on the outcome you want it is possible to achieve it!