Time To Make More Baby Quilts

As a woman we are taught for many years it is our job to be a mother. I've known for what seems to me many more years that this wouldn't be my job. At 19 I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder and told there was a 50% chance it could be passed on. I was placed on a medication that an agreement has to be signed you will not become pregnant while taking it although I only took it short term it seems that this is where I made my decision 18 years ago.

When I was a teenager our church group would make quilts for a children's hospital. I then began making quilts on my own and gave them to my neighbor who was a neonatal intensive care nurse. One day I asked Sister Hansen what happened to the quilts. She shared with me a truly touching story. If parents lost the life of their child in the nicu that small infant or child would then be wrapped in the quilt and the quilt would later be gifted to the grieving parents.

As I got older and my friends began having children I found I enjoyed gifting baby quilts to them. Some have had themes, some have been unique and personalized, some were me trying a new skill I'd been taught, but each was made with love and excitement at the little life that my friends were welcoming into their lives.

The past number of months (I say number because I don't know how long) I've experienced a monthly pain in my lower abdomen. It doesn't respond well to pain meds and I've had to leave work some days or spend a weekend hanging out in bed with a heating pad. I've continued running, working out, traveling, lifting trailers, driving uhauls and doing my job and keeping a smile on my face. I know a smiles fixes almost everything and it hides pain incredibly well.

I finally put my stubbornness aside and listened to my boss and mother and went to have a medical test done. It revealed the most likely source of the pain. I wasn't scheduled to see the doctor until 6 weeks later the end of November. I called the doctors office 4 days later to ask if I could be seen sooner. They asked me to come in 3 hours later that same day. The doctor went over my background and then ruled out some options and offered others. This doctor was so kind and so thorough. I made a decision and went over it with the doctor. I signed some consent forms and was then informed I could change my mind at any time. 

Last Wednesday my best friend from high school gave birth to two adorable healthy twin boys. The text message I got was so perfectly timed and so bittersweet. I had just mailed their baby quilts the week prior. I could not be happier for her and I think our reunion visits are going to need to happen more frequently.  Two days after this exciting news from my friend I went back to my doctor for my pre-op visit.

The first thing my doctor asked was,"how are you doing." I replied I was okay to which he responded are you sure. No I wasn't sure I was okay, but I replied yes because the truth is even if I wasn't okay at that exact moment I knew I would be and this too shall pass. 

Yesterday was my hospital pre-op appointment where I was asked to cough up a small sum of pocket change (sarcasm duely noted), have blood taken and some other tests. I came home and went to bed cursing the cramps I was experiencing the entire time. I began work this morning when a pain I had never experienced brought me to tears. I called my boss who told me to lock up and go upstairs to rest. What followed was nothing I ever want to experience again. The not so nice (curse words) pain made me begin laps to the toilet. My poor coffee was awful coming back up. I followed that with hydrating with my electrolyte drink that didn't seem to want to stay in me either. I cried a lot. I joked with my friend that my smile was missing today. I really wanted to find "one good thing" about today when I remembered the box my mom sent had quilts in it. 

I was at a friend's baby shower and one of our mutual friends brought his 3 little girls. As they were leaving his one little girl came up to me wrapped her arms around my legs and gave me a hug bye. The quilts my mom finished quilting for me are for his girls. I told my mom I wanted something to do in the hospital so she rushed to quilt them so I can finish stitching the edges.

On Friday I have surgery scheduled. It seals my fate of not having the job of being a mother. The doctor and I are both hopeful that removing the benign tumor as well as its holding facility will eliminate if not alleviate the pain I've been experiencing.

I had the wonderful job of being a nanny for two awesome brothers who were 3 years old and a newborn. Those boys are now almost 20 and 16. They are my other family. When I sent Patty a message last week she replied we are always here. It is true and I feel the same way I will be always there for them.

Tonight I reached out to a dear friend I only know through CrossFit. I asked if she knew who I could reach out to for a Priesthood blessing. She said she would speak to her husband. I spent a couple of quiet peaceful hours this evening in their home with their children and their dog and some of their friends from church. The blessing of healing and understanding left me with complete peace of mind and the pain dulled.

I know I haven't learned all I need to from this and it's been a hard test, but I will continue to seek that one good thing and when I need therapy I'll reach for some fabric and my sewing machine and wonderful friends and their adorable children.